OPINION: They're lurking at the office water cooler, hard hat on and clipboard at the ready, and waiting to pounce in your social sports team
Back when the Yanks stored their nastiest criminals at Alcatraz prison on an island in San Francisco Bay, it was a notoriously tricky place to escape from.
If you managed to get past your cell's intimidating bars you still had to deal with the coils of barbed wire, trigger-happy guards, probing searchlights and the frigid waters of the bay.
Officially no one escaped but there is a persistent belief three chaps managed by implementing an intricate plan that involved paper maiche dummies, false walls and rafts made of raincoats.
Sure the so-called escapees have never been seen again, but if they were they would probably admit their wee escapade was child's play compared to the getting away from the most inescapable thing known to man - the Office Twit.
For time immemorial, no matter how ingenious an escaper, no matter how determined their quest for freedom, or to breathe great gulps of liberated air, there has been no getting away from the Office Twit.
No one knows how the Office Twit got their job because the only thing they seem to be able to do with any competency is excavate their nasal cavities.
They certainly cannot tell jokes, know little about personal hygiene and seem to still have trouble adjusting to their vine- free environment.
Unfortunately the Office Twit is not a rare creature, nor is it even endangered.
In fact, they seem to be flourishing and can be found in every office, sometimes twice. You can tell who they are because they wear grins of such spectacular stupidity that were they anything but an ineffectual Office Twit, they would be hit on the head and shoved into the offal pit.
Which is where they would meet the Social Sport's Team Twit.
The Social Sport's Team Twit achieved little of sporting merit at school except being an overly- enthusiastic water carrier and owner of the world's tightest shorts.
The pitiful Social Sports Team Twit tries to distract from this embarrassing fact by now excelling at sport played on a social level.
Social sport is a modern phenomenon that lets ex-sports men and women legitimately get together for the purpose of socialising. Games are usually followed by a beer or two and tales of sporting success that has long since passed.
This is a very pleasant informal arrangement that is never openly discussed but universally known as truth. That is known to everyone in the universe except the Social Sport's Team Twit.
For some reason they believe social sports are a series of shouting and aggression tests with marks also awarded for referee insults and backside sweat.
During games they lose all touch with reality and believe themselves to be playing before an adoring crowd of 75,000 screaming fans who thirst for blood, death and general destruction.
It is unusual for the Office Twit to also be the Social Sports Team Twit, but it does happen.
There are still other twits in this world, namely the Checkout Twit who pushes 23 items through the express checkout and The Car Park Twit whose achingly slow exit strategy does not prevent her dinging every car she passes but merely prolongs the incidents.
Then there is the Group Dinner Twit who orders the gold-dusted crayfish moments before loudly proclaiming splitting the bill is the easiest course of action, and most people will have had not infrequent interaction with a One Upper Twit, who does everything better and longer than you ever could.
One of the newest Twits on the block is the Health and Safety Twit.
Now you will not find many people arguing against the need for health and safety regulations that should be followed and adhered to as common sense would dictate.
Unfortunately, the Health and Safety Twit traded their common sense for a hard hat and their reasonableness for a clipboard, which they believe imbues them with similar powers to a being some know as God.
In terms of pant tightness and aggression the Health and Safety Twit rivals the Social Sport's Team Twit but the Health and Safety Twit would never play sport or even walk quickly because of the danger inherent in such activity.
Be that as it may, when all is taken into account twits are rather benign creatures, more annoying than truly damaging, which is why they should never be confused with idiots.
Idiots are a Twit's older and more experienced brother and are basically someone who intermittently acts in a socially self-defeating or significantly counterproductive way.
It is worth noting these are similar traits to those found in another generally dislikeable group: teenagers.
However, teenagers grow out of it in three or four years whereas an idiot will simply further grow into theirs.
It is not widely known but the stimulus for this growth comes through the ingestion of a substance with the molecular formula of C2H5OH.
Some people call this beer but wine would also be correct.
- Taranaki Daily News
Back when the Yanks stored their nastiest criminals at Alcatraz prison on an island in San Francisco Bay, it was a notoriously tricky place to escape from.
If you managed to get past your cell's intimidating bars you still had to deal with the coils of barbed wire, trigger-happy guards, probing searchlights and the frigid waters of the bay.
Officially no one escaped but there is a persistent belief three chaps managed by implementing an intricate plan that involved paper maiche dummies, false walls and rafts made of raincoats.
Sure the so-called escapees have never been seen again, but if they were they would probably admit their wee escapade was child's play compared to the getting away from the most inescapable thing known to man - the Office Twit.
For time immemorial, no matter how ingenious an escaper, no matter how determined their quest for freedom, or to breathe great gulps of liberated air, there has been no getting away from the Office Twit.
No one knows how the Office Twit got their job because the only thing they seem to be able to do with any competency is excavate their nasal cavities.
They certainly cannot tell jokes, know little about personal hygiene and seem to still have trouble adjusting to their vine- free environment.
Unfortunately the Office Twit is not a rare creature, nor is it even endangered.
In fact, they seem to be flourishing and can be found in every office, sometimes twice. You can tell who they are because they wear grins of such spectacular stupidity that were they anything but an ineffectual Office Twit, they would be hit on the head and shoved into the offal pit.
Which is where they would meet the Social Sport's Team Twit.
The Social Sport's Team Twit achieved little of sporting merit at school except being an overly- enthusiastic water carrier and owner of the world's tightest shorts.
The pitiful Social Sports Team Twit tries to distract from this embarrassing fact by now excelling at sport played on a social level.
Social sport is a modern phenomenon that lets ex-sports men and women legitimately get together for the purpose of socialising. Games are usually followed by a beer or two and tales of sporting success that has long since passed.
This is a very pleasant informal arrangement that is never openly discussed but universally known as truth. That is known to everyone in the universe except the Social Sport's Team Twit.
For some reason they believe social sports are a series of shouting and aggression tests with marks also awarded for referee insults and backside sweat.
During games they lose all touch with reality and believe themselves to be playing before an adoring crowd of 75,000 screaming fans who thirst for blood, death and general destruction.
It is unusual for the Office Twit to also be the Social Sports Team Twit, but it does happen.
There are still other twits in this world, namely the Checkout Twit who pushes 23 items through the express checkout and The Car Park Twit whose achingly slow exit strategy does not prevent her dinging every car she passes but merely prolongs the incidents.
Then there is the Group Dinner Twit who orders the gold-dusted crayfish moments before loudly proclaiming splitting the bill is the easiest course of action, and most people will have had not infrequent interaction with a One Upper Twit, who does everything better and longer than you ever could.
One of the newest Twits on the block is the Health and Safety Twit.
Now you will not find many people arguing against the need for health and safety regulations that should be followed and adhered to as common sense would dictate.
Unfortunately, the Health and Safety Twit traded their common sense for a hard hat and their reasonableness for a clipboard, which they believe imbues them with similar powers to a being some know as God.
In terms of pant tightness and aggression the Health and Safety Twit rivals the Social Sport's Team Twit but the Health and Safety Twit would never play sport or even walk quickly because of the danger inherent in such activity.
Be that as it may, when all is taken into account twits are rather benign creatures, more annoying than truly damaging, which is why they should never be confused with idiots.
Idiots are a Twit's older and more experienced brother and are basically someone who intermittently acts in a socially self-defeating or significantly counterproductive way.
It is worth noting these are similar traits to those found in another generally dislikeable group: teenagers.
However, teenagers grow out of it in three or four years whereas an idiot will simply further grow into theirs.
It is not widely known but the stimulus for this growth comes through the ingestion of a substance with the molecular formula of C2H5OH.
Some people call this beer but wine would also be correct.
- Taranaki Daily News
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