Middle Class Pakeha
Why am I so deep? I suppose I can't help it if I feel so much. Caitlain or Hope? Or January? They're all fantastic names for a girl. My shoes are entirely inappropriate, aren't they? I suppose it's because I was spoiled. You weren't spoiled. You're life was too easy though. I'm not a New Zealand European, I'm a New Zealander. Or should I be a Pakeha? I don't know what's good or bad anymore.
Labour Party Member
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Of course it does. If a party makes a lot of noise but no one cares, is it still a party? Of course it is. This is great stuff. This is gold. I've got to tell Phil. I've got to pass on the good news. Hold on. I can't even remember what he looks like. He used to have a moustache - I know that. Sometimes it would be better to have a bad memory.
North Shore Maori
Should I be on the Maori roll? What if I don't like whose standing? Or sitting. Why do they think I got a grant to be here? I should be watching the Maori Channel more. The reception's not too hot but it has really significant movies that make you think. Oh no. Does that make me sound like some bloody middle class pakeha? Or are they New Zealand Europeans? Surely I should know. This isn't good. But I'm not saying it's bad.
Mt Taranaki Possum
They're all out to get me. No they aren't, you're an immigrant like everyone else. You have every right to be here. Do I? Yes I do. Of course I do. What's that green pellet? I should eat that. How bad can it be?
Auckland Grammar
Asian Student I know the other kids only like me because I do their maths homework. Who helps me with my homework? I'm not even good at maths. What pressure? Everyone plays three instruments and belongs to four clubs. Does everyone call me "The Asian" when I'm not there? It's not bad driving, it's cautious.
Oakura Cheese Lover
This is horror! This is what horror is! Dairy farmers getting $8 a kilo. How can that be? Do people not realise what that will do to the price of cheese? Can they not remember the pain of 2008? Goodbye mousetraps. Goodbye toasties. See you later, pizza. Don't cry. Be strong. Why though? Life without cheese is like some bad joke.
Hamilton-based South African
What is wrong with these people? Everything is upside down, backwards. Have I always known best? Don't question yourself. Are you weak? Who are you calling weak? I'm calling you weak. Weak for staying here. Why do I even stay here? Oh, that's right. Hey! You're doing that all wrong. Is it bad to be this right?
Te Kuiti Ewe
What's that over there? I knew it. Grass. What's that over there? I knew it. Grass again. What's that over there? I knew it. Still grass. Who is a clever cookie? Ewe are. Baa.
South Auckland Shopkeeper
I will be one thousand times more happy when I can sell this shop in Auckland. Meanwhile, would I prefer to be shot or stabbed? Am I allowed to complain if I'm an immigrant? All Kiwis come from immigrants and they complain. All the time. Shut up please in my head, I am trying to work. I don't want to be a bad Kiwi but it is hard to be good sometimes.
Nelson-based Russian
I'm surrounded by a paradise. Never have I had so many meats, or eggs, or butters. This must be KGB plot. These bloody slugs have torn my vegetable plot to pieces. Maybe it was damn Kiwi birds I am hearing about so much. Where's did I put my vodka down? No really, where is my vodka? Is this some sort of capitalist plot?
New Zealand Prime Minister
Oh I do like to be beside the seaside.
High Country Sheep Farmer Do I complain too much? The wife reckons I do. What would she know? She's a woman, I think. And hardly any of us are called Trevor. Or even Trev. Where did that come from? Bloody townies. My cousin is a townie. I've always hated that smug cheese-eating bastard. Is it wrong to love a tractor? It might be bad but it's not be illegal. Surely.
Average New Plymouthite
Did I really just say Taradise? What's happened to me? You've changed. How did I change? You know what happened. We're the bloody pulse of the energy province for Peter Tennent's sake. And the best city in New Zealand according to that Auckland magazine. I hate Aucklanders. They're always so rich and good- looking. Not that I care, I'm bringing up kids here. It's not bad.
- Taranaki Daily News
Why am I so deep? I suppose I can't help it if I feel so much. Caitlain or Hope? Or January? They're all fantastic names for a girl. My shoes are entirely inappropriate, aren't they? I suppose it's because I was spoiled. You weren't spoiled. You're life was too easy though. I'm not a New Zealand European, I'm a New Zealander. Or should I be a Pakeha? I don't know what's good or bad anymore.
Labour Party Member
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Of course it does. If a party makes a lot of noise but no one cares, is it still a party? Of course it is. This is great stuff. This is gold. I've got to tell Phil. I've got to pass on the good news. Hold on. I can't even remember what he looks like. He used to have a moustache - I know that. Sometimes it would be better to have a bad memory.
North Shore Maori
Should I be on the Maori roll? What if I don't like whose standing? Or sitting. Why do they think I got a grant to be here? I should be watching the Maori Channel more. The reception's not too hot but it has really significant movies that make you think. Oh no. Does that make me sound like some bloody middle class pakeha? Or are they New Zealand Europeans? Surely I should know. This isn't good. But I'm not saying it's bad.
Mt Taranaki Possum
They're all out to get me. No they aren't, you're an immigrant like everyone else. You have every right to be here. Do I? Yes I do. Of course I do. What's that green pellet? I should eat that. How bad can it be?
Auckland Grammar
Asian Student I know the other kids only like me because I do their maths homework. Who helps me with my homework? I'm not even good at maths. What pressure? Everyone plays three instruments and belongs to four clubs. Does everyone call me "The Asian" when I'm not there? It's not bad driving, it's cautious.
Oakura Cheese Lover
This is horror! This is what horror is! Dairy farmers getting $8 a kilo. How can that be? Do people not realise what that will do to the price of cheese? Can they not remember the pain of 2008? Goodbye mousetraps. Goodbye toasties. See you later, pizza. Don't cry. Be strong. Why though? Life without cheese is like some bad joke.
Hamilton-based South African
What is wrong with these people? Everything is upside down, backwards. Have I always known best? Don't question yourself. Are you weak? Who are you calling weak? I'm calling you weak. Weak for staying here. Why do I even stay here? Oh, that's right. Hey! You're doing that all wrong. Is it bad to be this right?
Te Kuiti Ewe
What's that over there? I knew it. Grass. What's that over there? I knew it. Grass again. What's that over there? I knew it. Still grass. Who is a clever cookie? Ewe are. Baa.
South Auckland Shopkeeper
I will be one thousand times more happy when I can sell this shop in Auckland. Meanwhile, would I prefer to be shot or stabbed? Am I allowed to complain if I'm an immigrant? All Kiwis come from immigrants and they complain. All the time. Shut up please in my head, I am trying to work. I don't want to be a bad Kiwi but it is hard to be good sometimes.
Nelson-based Russian
I'm surrounded by a paradise. Never have I had so many meats, or eggs, or butters. This must be KGB plot. These bloody slugs have torn my vegetable plot to pieces. Maybe it was damn Kiwi birds I am hearing about so much. Where's did I put my vodka down? No really, where is my vodka? Is this some sort of capitalist plot?
New Zealand Prime Minister
Oh I do like to be beside the seaside.
High Country Sheep Farmer Do I complain too much? The wife reckons I do. What would she know? She's a woman, I think. And hardly any of us are called Trevor. Or even Trev. Where did that come from? Bloody townies. My cousin is a townie. I've always hated that smug cheese-eating bastard. Is it wrong to love a tractor? It might be bad but it's not be illegal. Surely.
Average New Plymouthite
Did I really just say Taradise? What's happened to me? You've changed. How did I change? You know what happened. We're the bloody pulse of the energy province for Peter Tennent's sake. And the best city in New Zealand according to that Auckland magazine. I hate Aucklanders. They're always so rich and good- looking. Not that I care, I'm bringing up kids here. It's not bad.
- Taranaki Daily News
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