Crime: Don Brash re- entering politics. As if one serving of Don wasn't enough, the former Reserve Bank Governor and Orewa rabble-rouser is back in the political game. This despicable act cannot go unpunished.
Punishment: The technical complication of this punishment should not dissuade the general population from agreeing to mete it out. It involves a young single- income family of four, a 1997 Holden Commodore station wagon and a seven-hour drive to their Uncle's bach at some indeterminate location in the north. Dr Brash must accompany the family on this trip, taking the back left-hand seat. Somewhere around Bulls and an unsuccessful search for an ice cream shop and in the midst of the ensuing backseat tantrum the mother, who is sitting in the front left seat, must lose her patience and all parental control. Turning around she will try (though quite ineffectively) to repeatedly slap Dr Brash's lower legs. As she is doing this she must also implore Dr Brash to "know when to stop" and when "enough is enough" and suggest strongly that if such behaviour continues she will get Dad to turn the car around and they will all go home.
Crime: Poo-poohing the royal wedding of Our Will and Our Kate, the future King and Queen of the glorious Commonwealth. Such an occasion as this generally happens just once every 30 years and is over in a relatively short time. Making disparaging comments about the wedding and the ridiculousness of the monarchy during this period is both mean and petty. Such an act requires punishment.
Punishment: Though also a complicated sentence the criminal will come through it fully rehabilitated and ready to re-enter society. The guilty party will be locked in a room with enough tools and materials to make a life-size and realistic wax version of themselves. Upon completion this version must be pushed to the ground in an aggressive and callous manner. The person must then be forced to jump back and forth across it until a panel of three judges are satisfied the royal poo-pooher has both literally and figuratively truly gotten over themselves.
Crime: Dan Carter pretending to be a Daikin heat pump. Heralded as the greatest living rugby player, Dan Carter has a keener responsibility than most to uphold all that is good and precious about New Zealand rugby and the mighty All Blacks. In no way should he have been allowed to debase both himself and the nation by selling his soul to Daikin and promoting their heat pumps in the most ridiculous advertisement since the National Bank made Taine Randell dress up as a Bellhop Boy in 1999. This frightening lack of sense cannot go unpunished.
Punishment: Dan Carter must be called in for a one-on-one meeting with his mother. While she is obviously upset she will make it clear she is not angry. Rather she is simply disappointed. Very, very disappointed.
Crime: John Key using an Airforce helicopter to get out of Hamilton. We can all understand why he did it as getting out of Hamilton quickly is instinctual and right. However, our fearless and flat-vowelled leader should not have employed New Zealand's helicopter to do it. This misuse of power must be punished.
Punishment: It is unlikely this punishment fits the crime but it has to be used some time. Last year a keen young reporter attended a function at Owae Marae in Waitara at which Mr Key was also present. While he cannot guarantee his eyes were not playing tricks on him he believes he saw the number 7.5 on the inner step of a pair of shoes Mr Key had been wearing just seconds before he took them off to enter the marae. Despite no one being around to listen the reporter said at the time "Ha, Johnny Boy has Pixie feet" and vowed to use the information at an appropriate time. This is the appropriate time.
Crime: John Campbell and Mark Sainsbury's continued assault on the 7pm weekday senses of the nation. Even those with Sky will acknowledge there is little on TV at 7pm despite the fact this is the one time when three-quarters of the country turn to the telly in hope of some relaxing distraction from New Zealand's distressing slide into Third World status. Taking advantage of this by scheduling two shows hosted by terminally annoying hosts cannot be abided and must be punished.
Punishment: A small child should be sent down to the dairy on their BMX to purchase a box of Beehive matches. An adult must then cut these matches in half and with the help of semi-trained professionals insert those matches between the eyelids of TVNZ and TV3 executives. In this state of being unable to close their eyes the executives must be subjected to hours of reruns of these questionable news shows until they are on the cusp of wanting to slap both Mr Sainsbury and Mr Campbell across the face for their crimes against their fellow New Zealanders. They should then be subjected to three more episodes so they cannot help but act on their impulse.
* As part of our changes to the Opinion page, Matt Rilkoff takes up a weekly spot on Saturdays. Kathryn Calvert moves to weekly on Wednesdays.
- Taranaki Daily News
Punishment: The technical complication of this punishment should not dissuade the general population from agreeing to mete it out. It involves a young single- income family of four, a 1997 Holden Commodore station wagon and a seven-hour drive to their Uncle's bach at some indeterminate location in the north. Dr Brash must accompany the family on this trip, taking the back left-hand seat. Somewhere around Bulls and an unsuccessful search for an ice cream shop and in the midst of the ensuing backseat tantrum the mother, who is sitting in the front left seat, must lose her patience and all parental control. Turning around she will try (though quite ineffectively) to repeatedly slap Dr Brash's lower legs. As she is doing this she must also implore Dr Brash to "know when to stop" and when "enough is enough" and suggest strongly that if such behaviour continues she will get Dad to turn the car around and they will all go home.
Crime: Poo-poohing the royal wedding of Our Will and Our Kate, the future King and Queen of the glorious Commonwealth. Such an occasion as this generally happens just once every 30 years and is over in a relatively short time. Making disparaging comments about the wedding and the ridiculousness of the monarchy during this period is both mean and petty. Such an act requires punishment.
Punishment: Though also a complicated sentence the criminal will come through it fully rehabilitated and ready to re-enter society. The guilty party will be locked in a room with enough tools and materials to make a life-size and realistic wax version of themselves. Upon completion this version must be pushed to the ground in an aggressive and callous manner. The person must then be forced to jump back and forth across it until a panel of three judges are satisfied the royal poo-pooher has both literally and figuratively truly gotten over themselves.
Crime: Dan Carter pretending to be a Daikin heat pump. Heralded as the greatest living rugby player, Dan Carter has a keener responsibility than most to uphold all that is good and precious about New Zealand rugby and the mighty All Blacks. In no way should he have been allowed to debase both himself and the nation by selling his soul to Daikin and promoting their heat pumps in the most ridiculous advertisement since the National Bank made Taine Randell dress up as a Bellhop Boy in 1999. This frightening lack of sense cannot go unpunished.
Punishment: Dan Carter must be called in for a one-on-one meeting with his mother. While she is obviously upset she will make it clear she is not angry. Rather she is simply disappointed. Very, very disappointed.
Crime: John Key using an Airforce helicopter to get out of Hamilton. We can all understand why he did it as getting out of Hamilton quickly is instinctual and right. However, our fearless and flat-vowelled leader should not have employed New Zealand's helicopter to do it. This misuse of power must be punished.
Punishment: It is unlikely this punishment fits the crime but it has to be used some time. Last year a keen young reporter attended a function at Owae Marae in Waitara at which Mr Key was also present. While he cannot guarantee his eyes were not playing tricks on him he believes he saw the number 7.5 on the inner step of a pair of shoes Mr Key had been wearing just seconds before he took them off to enter the marae. Despite no one being around to listen the reporter said at the time "Ha, Johnny Boy has Pixie feet" and vowed to use the information at an appropriate time. This is the appropriate time.
Crime: John Campbell and Mark Sainsbury's continued assault on the 7pm weekday senses of the nation. Even those with Sky will acknowledge there is little on TV at 7pm despite the fact this is the one time when three-quarters of the country turn to the telly in hope of some relaxing distraction from New Zealand's distressing slide into Third World status. Taking advantage of this by scheduling two shows hosted by terminally annoying hosts cannot be abided and must be punished.
Punishment: A small child should be sent down to the dairy on their BMX to purchase a box of Beehive matches. An adult must then cut these matches in half and with the help of semi-trained professionals insert those matches between the eyelids of TVNZ and TV3 executives. In this state of being unable to close their eyes the executives must be subjected to hours of reruns of these questionable news shows until they are on the cusp of wanting to slap both Mr Sainsbury and Mr Campbell across the face for their crimes against their fellow New Zealanders. They should then be subjected to three more episodes so they cannot help but act on their impulse.
* As part of our changes to the Opinion page, Matt Rilkoff takes up a weekly spot on Saturdays. Kathryn Calvert moves to weekly on Wednesdays.
- Taranaki Daily News
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