Q: Who Loves Who The Most? The Exponents, 1985
A: With love being very much a qualitative emotion, deciding who indeed loves who the most was for a long time a frustrating lesson in futility. After all, few would argue that Romeo and Juliet were indeed fond of each other but were they more or less fond than Marc Antony was of Cleopatra? It was not until 2009 and the findings of ground-breaking research from Victoria University post-graduate political scientist Walter Kurlinsky-Smith that the world was finally able to quantify love and identify who loved who the most. The answer, of course, is Winston Peters.
Q: Who Let The Dogs Out? Baha Men, 2000
A: Though superficially a ditty about domestic negligence and the annoyances thereof, this song's original title, Who let the dogs of war out?, hinted at a much deeper and more serious questioning of society by the Baha Men. Unfortunately there is no single person to point the finger at but rather a number of conditions. Those mainly being industrialisation, nationalisation and the fact that, despite war being hell, men enjoy blowing things up.
Q: Da Ya Think I'm Sexy? Rod Stewart, 1978
A: Although there are a few notable exceptions, generally the answer is no Rod, no we don't.
Q: Should I Stay Or Should I Go? The Clash, 1981.
A: A question we have all had to ask ourselves at one point or another in our lives. Knowing that if we stay there will be trouble but if we go there will be double does little to help and invariably we are unable to come up with a satisfactory answer. Of course, that is unless you are called Winston Peters, in which case the answer is that you should pretend to go, but actually stay and keep staying like some stubborn stain or musty odour.
Q: Are You Old Enough? Dragon, 1978.
A: If you have to ask you should already know and if you don't, shame on you.
Q: Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is? Chicago, 1969
A: Because time and how we measure it is a human invention there is no real way of knowing what time it actually is in any meaningful sense. We can, however, determine that Friday is usually "party time", Monday is "work time" and if you are Winston Peters and the sun is either coming up or going down it is "worm my way into power time."
Q: Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me? Culture Club, 1982.
A: Sorry George, but the truth is that we do. We all do. Not violently, understand, but in a way that forces you to suffer just as we have had to suffer your talents. You are not the only guilty party by any stretch of the imagination. Most people also want to hurt Mariah Carey, Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus and of course Susan Boyle. It's nothing personal.
Q: What's New, Pussycat? Tom Jones, 1965.
A: As cats have not yet learned how to talk with humans this question is simply nonsense. Of course that does not stop Winston Peters reportedly asking it to himself every time he is near a reflective surface. Reliable sources indicate the answer is "You are baby".
Q: Have You Ever Seen The Rain? Creedence Clearwater Revival, 1970.
A: Yes. We all have. However, if you are a farmer you will believe you have not as your weather memory is notoriously lousy. If you need to test this out ask yourself how long the current drought has been going on? Since before you were born, right?
Q: Are You Lonesome Tonight? Elvis Presley, 1960.
A: Only once you hear this song.
Q: Why Does Love Do This To Me? The Exponents, 1985
A: Without knowing the symptoms Jordan Luck is singing of it is difficult to answer his case specifically. However, if he is talking about sweaty palms, a nervous stomach knot and a real but misguided belief that the person he is thinking of is the ying to his yang, then the answer is: his instinctive and unstoppable compulsion to replicate his genes. Basically it ensures the survival of the human species and, these days, is commonly referred to as the desire to "get jiggy with it".
Q: Oh Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone? Septimus Winner, 1864.
A: Actually Mr Winner's dog was never missing, which makes this question a fake. However, in the late 1990s political insiders often reported hearing the mournful doggy-missing verses (accompanied by low whimpering) late at night in the vicinity of a Beehive office used by then Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters.
"I'm not saying it was definitely him," said one parliamentary cleaner on condition of anonymity. "But it would explain a lot, wouldn't it?"
- Taranaki Daily News
A: With love being very much a qualitative emotion, deciding who indeed loves who the most was for a long time a frustrating lesson in futility. After all, few would argue that Romeo and Juliet were indeed fond of each other but were they more or less fond than Marc Antony was of Cleopatra? It was not until 2009 and the findings of ground-breaking research from Victoria University post-graduate political scientist Walter Kurlinsky-Smith that the world was finally able to quantify love and identify who loved who the most. The answer, of course, is Winston Peters.
Q: Who Let The Dogs Out? Baha Men, 2000
A: Though superficially a ditty about domestic negligence and the annoyances thereof, this song's original title, Who let the dogs of war out?, hinted at a much deeper and more serious questioning of society by the Baha Men. Unfortunately there is no single person to point the finger at but rather a number of conditions. Those mainly being industrialisation, nationalisation and the fact that, despite war being hell, men enjoy blowing things up.
Q: Da Ya Think I'm Sexy? Rod Stewart, 1978
A: Although there are a few notable exceptions, generally the answer is no Rod, no we don't.
Q: Should I Stay Or Should I Go? The Clash, 1981.
A: A question we have all had to ask ourselves at one point or another in our lives. Knowing that if we stay there will be trouble but if we go there will be double does little to help and invariably we are unable to come up with a satisfactory answer. Of course, that is unless you are called Winston Peters, in which case the answer is that you should pretend to go, but actually stay and keep staying like some stubborn stain or musty odour.
Q: Are You Old Enough? Dragon, 1978.
A: If you have to ask you should already know and if you don't, shame on you.
Q: Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is? Chicago, 1969
A: Because time and how we measure it is a human invention there is no real way of knowing what time it actually is in any meaningful sense. We can, however, determine that Friday is usually "party time", Monday is "work time" and if you are Winston Peters and the sun is either coming up or going down it is "worm my way into power time."
Q: Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me? Culture Club, 1982.
A: Sorry George, but the truth is that we do. We all do. Not violently, understand, but in a way that forces you to suffer just as we have had to suffer your talents. You are not the only guilty party by any stretch of the imagination. Most people also want to hurt Mariah Carey, Billy Ray and Miley Cyrus and of course Susan Boyle. It's nothing personal.
Q: What's New, Pussycat? Tom Jones, 1965.
A: As cats have not yet learned how to talk with humans this question is simply nonsense. Of course that does not stop Winston Peters reportedly asking it to himself every time he is near a reflective surface. Reliable sources indicate the answer is "You are baby".
Q: Have You Ever Seen The Rain? Creedence Clearwater Revival, 1970.
A: Yes. We all have. However, if you are a farmer you will believe you have not as your weather memory is notoriously lousy. If you need to test this out ask yourself how long the current drought has been going on? Since before you were born, right?
Q: Are You Lonesome Tonight? Elvis Presley, 1960.
A: Only once you hear this song.
Q: Why Does Love Do This To Me? The Exponents, 1985
A: Without knowing the symptoms Jordan Luck is singing of it is difficult to answer his case specifically. However, if he is talking about sweaty palms, a nervous stomach knot and a real but misguided belief that the person he is thinking of is the ying to his yang, then the answer is: his instinctive and unstoppable compulsion to replicate his genes. Basically it ensures the survival of the human species and, these days, is commonly referred to as the desire to "get jiggy with it".
Q: Oh Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone? Septimus Winner, 1864.
A: Actually Mr Winner's dog was never missing, which makes this question a fake. However, in the late 1990s political insiders often reported hearing the mournful doggy-missing verses (accompanied by low whimpering) late at night in the vicinity of a Beehive office used by then Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters.
"I'm not saying it was definitely him," said one parliamentary cleaner on condition of anonymity. "But it would explain a lot, wouldn't it?"
- Taranaki Daily News
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