It is an established fact that not only does the Daniel Craig incarnation of James Bond look like Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, but the two are actually one and the same and cannot be distinguished from one another in any meaningful way. The real question on everyone’s mind is this: If Craig and Putin were in fact separate people — which they are not, but just for the sake of argument — which one would prevail in a battle to the death? Let us examine the facts.
Fact: Daniel Craig’s James Bond and Vladimir Putin both have enough guns to singlehandedly take out North Korea. Each also has the requisite space shuttle-grade titanium testicles to complete the job without remorse.
Outcome: Draw.
Fact: Craig’s Bond can kill you in a urinal. Putin needs a referee.
Outcome: Bond wins.
Fact: Bond was a spy for the British Intelligence Agency MI6, which has rules. Putin was a spy for the Russian KGB, which did not.
Outcome: Putin.
Fact: Bond looks better in a suit and tie than does Putin. Or is the other way around? We cannot tell.
Outcome: Inconclusive.
Fact: Daniel Craig, looking like James Bond, was on the cover of GQ. Putin was on the cover of Time Magazine. We have never heard of Time Magazine.
Outcome: Bond.
Fact: Ladies swoon. They don’t care which is which.
Outcome: Draw.
Conclusion: It’s Bond by a distinctive nose. Or Putin by a lip divit. What do you think?
Compiled and written by Will Conley
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