How to Handle a Player

QUESTION from the WomensHappiness Forum:  Any thoughts on how to deal with a player? I feel really stupid because I thought we were connecting emotionally, and now I just feel really hurt. His other girlfriend showed up while I was with him. I think he revels in the attention he gets from more than one woman. Unfortunately, I have to be around him on an ongoing basis, so I would really appreciate some suggestions on how to act around him going forward. I know that there is no commitment, but I want him to know that I'm the kind of woman who wants to be respected. How do I let him know that?

ANSWER from the WomensHappiness Forum:  In these situations, it's easy to apply the instincts, habits and traits of one gender to another. Women often compete with one another for the attention, or as you say, the respect, of one man. But men do not view this as a competition among women. In other words, men do not typically preside over or "judge" a competition among women, comparing you directly with the other woman, and then decide which one of you is worthy of respect and attention.

A man is more inclined to want to BE in a competition, not judge between you and another woman vying for his attention. Therefore, the way to gain his respect is to be more challenging and alluring to him than the other woman. You will want to try to spark his competitive instinct. If a man finds two women in his social circle to be attractive, and if one of the women is more nonchalant than the other, then he'll be more inclined to pursue the aloof woman. She is more of a challenge to him.

So the competition between you and his other girl is more of a friendship issue between the two of you than an attraction issue with the man. He obviously finds you both attractive. His masculine instinct drives him to want to pursue whichever one of you is more challenging. When you are in his presence, show attention to other men in the vicinity. This will trigger his instinct to compete against other men. If the other woman is paying attention to him while you are paying attention to other men in his presence, then he will naturally want to take up the challenge of pursuing you. The competition is between the man and the other men, the environment and the challenge that YOU represent. The competition is not between you and the other woman. For more about challenging a man and competition among women,