I Don’t Know How To Date

I don’t know how to date. This has come to my attention in recent weeks, months, or more specifically, the last 15 years or so. Every relationship I’ve ever had, I’ve just sort of fallen into where dating wasn’t really part of the equation. I always thought I was lucky in this regard, but I no longer feel that way.
To me, dating is the worst. I do not care for it at all. And to be honest, most first dates rarely end up in a second, because I’m wonky and my social skills are definitely a bit questionable. Getting through a date is more stressful for me than fun; in fact, I find I’m more relaxed when I go to the gynecologist.
Recently, I went out with a gentleman caller. He was a friend of a friend. I was forced into it as some sort of distraction for a recent falling out with an on-again, off-again love interest who ended up falling so below par that being with him became heartbreaking and disappointing.
I had tried to emotionally prepare myself for the date (read: had a martini and a Xanax before heading out the door), and had also cried out any possible tears that might pop out later in the evening, as I am a bit on the emotional side lately. I had also gone to the effort of putting on lipstick and even shaved my legs right before just in case things got hot and heavy. I’ll actually admit my reason for going on the date was more to hoping to get laid than find some lasting sort of relationship. This, I fear, is the boy in me.
The martini and Xanax were a bad idea, of course. Halfway through the dinner, I proceeded to tell my date that I didn’t know how to date, that I hated dating and that I didn’t care to go through the process of ever getting to know anyone because I already knew everyone I wanted to know except for Ryan Gosling . Furthermore he, my date, should know that I already met my soulmate, and although he was probably drunk in a gutter somewhere in Bushwick, as I spoke those words, someday, it was going to make sense and said soulmate and I were going to get our shit together and it was going to be perfect in a fantasy world with pink unicorns and bunnies named Fred. Yes, that’s what I told my date in a round about way. I have not heard from him since.
Of course this makes perfect sense, because had someone told me some malarkey about pink unicorns and bunnies named Fred, I, too, would avoid them like the plague, and I like those things.
So I went home and had a moment similar to the one Annette Bening had in American Beauty – the one where she cries and smacks herself to stop being such a baby. I didn’t smack myself with my hand, but rather with words. And in the moment I was forced to recall the so many first dates I’ve been on, and all the reasons they never resulted in a second. Granted, 70% of the time the choice to not have a second date was mine because I have obscenely unrealistic standards and again live in a fantasy world where everything is perfect. However, that 30% was not in my control. I had literally lost the chance for another chance for the same reason I had with my most recent suitor: I just don’t know how to date.
I don’t know how to make small talk and have it involve into topics more interesting. I don’t care to ask questions or even offer up any information about myself. I don’t try to be charming, because it seems like such a waste since I’ve convinced myself that there are only three people who have ever existed for me in the history of the world and two are dead – F. Scott Fitzgerald and Henry Miller – and the other is drunk in a gutter in Bushwick. I am absolutely completely closed off and by most accounts a curmudgeon. Women my age should not be this way so early in the game, but I am. This does not make me innovative or even a maverick; it makes me a narrow-minded asshole. Someone please tell me why there isn’t a class out there I could take to remedy this issue, or at least teach me how to be more relatable to the opposite sex so there is the slightest hope of eventually procreating with someone, anyone.
This weekend, I’m going to try this dating thing again. Once again, a friend is setting me up. I have already decided there will be no pre-gaming in my apartment, no mention of my soulmate – although he is, FYI – nor will I bring up anything about mythical animals or my disappointment in the whole dating process. No, instead I will do what they do in the movies and smile a lot. I will laugh at jokes that aren’t funny and put my wonky ways on hold for the evening if only to prove to myself that I can get to a second date and maybe even a third or fourth. Although to be honest, a don’t see a fifth one happening… by then I will have unleashed the real me and that takes a certain breed to be able to handle that level of madness, er, uniqueness.
Here’s hoping it’s just a “not enough practice” thing as opposed to a “missing the dating gene” thing, but I guess only time will tell.

I Don’t Know How To Date

I don’t know how to date. This has come to my attention in recent weeks, months, or more specifically, the last 15 years or so. Every relationship I’ve ever had, I’ve just sort of fallen into where dating wasn’t really part of the equation. I always thought I was lucky in this regard, but I no longer feel that way.
To me, dating is the worst. I do not care for it at all. And to be honest, most first dates rarely end up in a second, because I’m wonky and my social skills are definitely a bit questionable. Getting through a date is more stressful for me than fun; in fact, I find I’m more relaxed when I go to the gynecologist.
Recently, I went out with a gentleman caller. He was a friend of a friend. I was forced into it as some sort of distraction for a recent falling out with an on-again, off-again love interest who ended up falling so below par that being with him became heartbreaking and disappointing.
I had tried to emotionally prepare myself for the date (read: had a martini and a Xanax before heading out the door), and had also cried out any possible tears that might pop out later in the evening, as I am a bit on the emotional side lately. I had also gone to the effort of putting on lipstick and even shaved my legs right before just in case things got hot and heavy. I’ll actually admit my reason for going on the date was more to hoping to get laid than find some lasting sort of relationship. This, I fear, is the boy in me.
The martini and Xanax were a bad idea, of course. Halfway through the dinner, I proceeded to tell my date that I didn’t know how to date, that I hated dating and that I didn’t care to go through the process of ever getting to know anyone because I already knew everyone I wanted to know except for Ryan Gosling . Furthermore he, my date, should know that I already met my soulmate, and although he was probably drunk in a gutter somewhere in Bushwick, as I spoke those words, someday, it was going to make sense and said soulmate and I were going to get our shit together and it was going to be perfect in a fantasy world with pink unicorns and bunnies named Fred. Yes, that’s what I told my date in a round about way. I have not heard from him since.
Of course this makes perfect sense, because had someone told me some malarkey about pink unicorns and bunnies named Fred, I, too, would avoid them like the plague, and I like those things.
So I went home and had a moment similar to the one Annette Bening had in American Beauty – the one where she cries and smacks herself to stop being such a baby. I didn’t smack myself with my hand, but rather with words. And in the moment I was forced to recall the so many first dates I’ve been on, and all the reasons they never resulted in a second. Granted, 70% of the time the choice to not have a second date was mine because I have obscenely unrealistic standards and again live in a fantasy world where everything is perfect. However, that 30% was not in my control. I had literally lost the chance for another chance for the same reason I had with my most recent suitor: I just don’t know how to date.
I don’t know how to make small talk and have it involve into topics more interesting. I don’t care to ask questions or even offer up any information about myself. I don’t try to be charming, because it seems like such a waste since I’ve convinced myself that there are only three people who have ever existed for me in the history of the world and two are dead – F. Scott Fitzgerald and Henry Miller – and the other is drunk in a gutter in Bushwick. I am absolutely completely closed off and by most accounts a curmudgeon. Women my age should not be this way so early in the game, but I am. This does not make me innovative or even a maverick; it makes me a narrow-minded asshole. Someone please tell me why there isn’t a class out there I could take to remedy this issue, or at least teach me how to be more relatable to the opposite sex so there is the slightest hope of eventually procreating with someone, anyone.
This weekend, I’m going to try this dating thing again. Once again, a friend is setting me up. I have already decided there will be no pre-gaming in my apartment, no mention of my soulmate – although he is, FYI – nor will I bring up anything about mythical animals or my disappointment in the whole dating process. No, instead I will do what they do in the movies and smile a lot. I will laugh at jokes that aren’t funny and put my wonky ways on hold for the evening if only to prove to myself that I can get to a second date and maybe even a third or fourth. Although to be honest, a don’t see a fifth one happening… by then I will have unleashed the real me and that takes a certain breed to be able to handle that level of madness, er, uniqueness.
Here’s hoping it’s just a “not enough practice” thing as opposed to a “missing the dating gene” thing, but I guess only time will tell.

Bristol Palin Clarifies Her Story Somewhat, But Not That Much

So Bristol Palin went on “Good Morning America ” this morning to talk about her new book, and the host couldn’t help asking about what was on most people’s minds: what exactly did she mean when she said Levi Johnston “stole” her virginity? Her response was this:

“That’s what it felt like. I’m not accusing Levi of date rape or rape at all, but I am just looking back with the adult eyes that I have now, and just thinking ‘that was a foolish decision.’ I should have never been underage drinking, and I should have never gotten myself into a situation like that.”

Well, okay then. I’m glad she doesn’t feel like she was raped. That’s a horrible feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But here’s the deal: words mean things. You cannot say Levi “stole” your virginity, i.e. took it knowingly without permission, without implying that he assaulted you. If that’s not what you mean, choose a better word. Coerced, manipulated, corrupted, tempted into darkness, what have you. If you feel like he “stole” it, you feel like he took it without permission, which does nothing to dispel the idea that you were raped.
It’s also somewhat distressing that she frames her decision in terms of deciding to “underage drink,” making no mention of a decision to have sex. That doesn’t sound good! Just because you underage drank with someone doesn’t mean you’ve consented to sex with that person. The language that she uses here–”I never should have put myself in that position”–very well might refer to putting herself in a position where she was likely to consent to something she thinks she shouldn’t, but it still sounds uncomfortably like victim-blaming language to me.
Part of my annoyance here is probably due to the fact that I’m tired of feeling concern for someone who says dumb, contradictory things like this:

I’m not an abstinence preacher, you know. I think that if you wanna prevent teenage pregnancy, that’s the only option. I talk about in the book how I was on birth control, and obviously it wasn’t used effectively, and abstinence is the only way you’re gonna prevent teenage pregnancy, but, um, if you’re gonna have sex, practice safe sex, very safe sex.

BUT I THOUGHT THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS SAFE SEX?! Nice passive construction, by the way. I’m not going to let my empathy for what I still think sounds like a sexual assault (or at the very least, serious sexual misconduct) keep me from attacking her views. Abstinence-only education is proven to be ineffective, and the religious zealot wing of the Republican party continues to put life-threatening restrictions on women’s access to adequate healthcare. It’s entirely possible for bad things to happen to people who advocate bad public policy.

Bristol Palin Clarifies Her Story Somewhat, But Not That Much

So Bristol Palin went on “Good Morning America ” this morning to talk about her new book, and the host couldn’t help asking about what was on most people’s minds: what exactly did she mean when she said Levi Johnston “stole” her virginity? Her response was this:

“That’s what it felt like. I’m not accusing Levi of date rape or rape at all, but I am just looking back with the adult eyes that I have now, and just thinking ‘that was a foolish decision.’ I should have never been underage drinking, and I should have never gotten myself into a situation like that.”

Well, okay then. I’m glad she doesn’t feel like she was raped. That’s a horrible feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone. But here’s the deal: words mean things. You cannot say Levi “stole” your virginity, i.e. took it knowingly without permission, without implying that he assaulted you. If that’s not what you mean, choose a better word. Coerced, manipulated, corrupted, tempted into darkness, what have you. If you feel like he “stole” it, you feel like he took it without permission, which does nothing to dispel the idea that you were raped.
It’s also somewhat distressing that she frames her decision in terms of deciding to “underage drink,” making no mention of a decision to have sex. That doesn’t sound good! Just because you underage drank with someone doesn’t mean you’ve consented to sex with that person. The language that she uses here–”I never should have put myself in that position”–very well might refer to putting herself in a position where she was likely to consent to something she thinks she shouldn’t, but it still sounds uncomfortably like victim-blaming language to me.
Part of my annoyance here is probably due to the fact that I’m tired of feeling concern for someone who says dumb, contradictory things like this:

I’m not an abstinence preacher, you know. I think that if you wanna prevent teenage pregnancy, that’s the only option. I talk about in the book how I was on birth control, and obviously it wasn’t used effectively, and abstinence is the only way you’re gonna prevent teenage pregnancy, but, um, if you’re gonna have sex, practice safe sex, very safe sex.

BUT I THOUGHT THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS SAFE SEX?! Nice passive construction, by the way. I’m not going to let my empathy for what I still think sounds like a sexual assault (or at the very least, serious sexual misconduct) keep me from attacking her views. Abstinence-only education is proven to be ineffective, and the religious zealot wing of the Republican party continues to put life-threatening restrictions on women’s access to adequate healthcare. It’s entirely possible for bad things to happen to people who advocate bad public policy.

Red Carpet Rundown: The Good & Eccentric Abound At The BET Awards

Bright colors and skyhigh heels dominated the BET Awards. See what celebs like Alicia Keys, Kerry Washington and Willow Smith wore.

Red Carpet Rundown: The Good & Eccentric Abound At The BET Awards

Bright colors and skyhigh heels dominated the BET Awards. See what celebs like Alicia Keys, Kerry Washington and Willow Smith wore.

How To Look Like A Brooks Brothers Model

You think that looking like a J. Crew model is the same thing as looking like a Brooks Brother model? You. Dumb. Whore.
By which I mean, there are some very minor differences and this will be really helpful to you the next time you go to the Cape with Thurston (tell him his boat is looking yar!)

How To Look Like A Brooks Brothers Model

You think that looking like a J. Crew model is the same thing as looking like a Brooks Brother model? You. Dumb. Whore.
By which I mean, there are some very minor differences and this will be really helpful to you the next time you go to the Cape with Thurston (tell him his boat is looking yar!)

The World’s Ugliest Dog Has Been Crowned

This is Yoda. He’s a 14-year old Chinese-crested Chihuahau and he’s just been crowned the world’s ugliest dog. Yoda’s owner Terry Schumacher originally found him behind an apartment building and figured him for a rat. Then she did what anyone would do in that situation: inspect the rat, conclude it was a dog, take it home, name it after a Star Wars character and love it forever. He was a first time entrant in the Northern California fair and, frankly, he’s no Sam.

The World’s Ugliest Dog Has Been Crowned

This is Yoda. He’s a 14-year old Chinese-crested Chihuahau and he’s just been crowned the world’s ugliest dog. Yoda’s owner Terry Schumacher originally found him behind an apartment building and figured him for a rat. Then she did what anyone would do in that situation: inspect the rat, conclude it was a dog, take it home, name it after a Star Wars character and love it forever. He was a first time entrant in the Northern California fair and, frankly, he’s no Sam.

होम फोटो गैलरी पॉपुलर फोटो ताजा खबर SMS करें NEWS 52424 पर मिलने वाला है ऐश्‍वर्या को मातृत्‍व सुख |

बॉलीवुड के महानायक अमिताभ बच्‍चन दादा बनने वाले हैं. यह बात कोई और नहीं बल्कि खुद बिग बी ने कही है. अमिताभ ने ट्विटर पर लिख है कि वो दादा बनने वाले हैं. 

होम फोटो गैलरी पॉपुलर फोटो ताजा खबर SMS करें NEWS 52424 पर मिलने वाला है ऐश्‍वर्या को मातृत्‍व सुख |

बॉलीवुड के महानायक अमिताभ बच्‍चन दादा बनने वाले हैं. यह बात कोई और नहीं बल्कि खुद बिग बी ने कही है. अमिताभ ने ट्विटर पर लिख है कि वो दादा बनने वाले हैं. 

सलमान ने मुंबई में लॉन्‍च किया ब्‍लैकबेरी प्‍लेबु‍क

ब्लैकबेरी फोन निर्माता कंपनी रिसर्च इन मोशन (आरआईएम) ने भारत में अपना नया टैबलेट प्लेबुक लॉन्‍च कर दिया है. कंपनी ने इस प्‍लेबुक को लॉन्च करने के लिए अभिनेता सलमान खान को आमंत्रित किया.

प्‍लेबुक के लॉन्‍च के साथ ही इंडिया टुडे ग्रुप (English में पढ़ें) ने भी ब्‍लैकबेरी के लिए अल्‍टीमेट ब्राइडल ऐप्‍स लॉन्‍च किया है. 'द इंडिया ब्राइड लुक बुक ऐप्‍स' भारत के बेस्‍ट ब्राइडल फैशन का संग्रह है जिसमें नवीनतम डिजाइन को शोकेस किया गया है. ब्‍लैकबेरी ऐप्‍स वर्ल्‍ड पर यह नि:शुल्‍क उपलब्‍ध है.

भारत में इसकी कीमत 27 हजार से लेकर 38 हजार के बीच होगी जिसकी मेमोरी 16 जीबी से 64 जीबी के बीच होगी. प्‍लेबुक की स्‍क्रीन 7 इंच की है और यह एक बिल्‍कुल नए ऑपरेटिंग सिस्‍टम पर काम करता है जिसे क्‍यूएनएक्‍स सॉफ्टवेयर ने तैयार किया है. इस टैबलेट कंप्‍यूटर का वजन महज 425 ग्राम है.

इसे इस्‍तेमाल करने वाले वाईफाई के जरिए इंटरनेट से जुड़ सकते हैं या‍ फिर अपने ब्‍लैकबेरी फोन को इससे जोड़कर भी आप इंटरनेट का इस्‍तेमाल कर सकत हैं.

प्‍लेबुक में वीडियो चैटिंग की सुविधा भी दी गई है जिसके लिए इसमें पीछे की तरफ 5 मेगापिक्‍सल कैमरा दिया गया है जबकि सामने की तरफ 3 मेगापिक्‍सल का कैमरा दिया गया है. प्‍लेबुक में ई-मेल के लिए ब्‍लैकबेरी ब्रीज दिया गया है जबकि परिवार और दोस्‍तों से जुड़े रहने के लिए ब्‍लैकबेरी मैसेंजर भी उपलब्‍ध है.

प्‍लेबुक में एक साथ एक से ज्‍यादा एप्‍लि‍केशंस पर काम किया जा सकता है वो भी कि‍सी भी एप्‍लि‍केशन को बंद कि‍ए बि‍ना. इसीलि‍ए प्‍लेबुक में कोई होम बटन नहीं हैं क्‍योंकि‍ इस्‍तेमाल करने वाले को नई एप्लि‍केशन चलाने के लि‍ए चल रही एप्लि‍केशन को बंद करने की जरूरत नहीं होती है. इसके अलावा जीपीएस, एक्‍सीलरोमीटर, जायरोस्‍कोप, डि‍जि‍टि‍ल कंपास और माइक्रो यूएसबी की सुविधा भी प्लेबुक आपको देता है. 1 गीगाहर्ट्ज ड्यूल कोर प्रोसेसर वाले इस टेब्‍लेट पीसी में आपको 1 जीबी की रैम लगी है.

सलमान ने मुंबई में लॉन्‍च किया ब्‍लैकबेरी प्‍लेबु‍क

ब्लैकबेरी फोन निर्माता कंपनी रिसर्च इन मोशन (आरआईएम) ने भारत में अपना नया टैबलेट प्लेबुक लॉन्‍च कर दिया है. कंपनी ने इस प्‍लेबुक को लॉन्च करने के लिए अभिनेता सलमान खान को आमंत्रित किया.

प्‍लेबुक के लॉन्‍च के साथ ही इंडिया टुडे ग्रुप (English में पढ़ें) ने भी ब्‍लैकबेरी के लिए अल्‍टीमेट ब्राइडल ऐप्‍स लॉन्‍च किया है. 'द इंडिया ब्राइड लुक बुक ऐप्‍स' भारत के बेस्‍ट ब्राइडल फैशन का संग्रह है जिसमें नवीनतम डिजाइन को शोकेस किया गया है. ब्‍लैकबेरी ऐप्‍स वर्ल्‍ड पर यह नि:शुल्‍क उपलब्‍ध है.

भारत में इसकी कीमत 27 हजार से लेकर 38 हजार के बीच होगी जिसकी मेमोरी 16 जीबी से 64 जीबी के बीच होगी. प्‍लेबुक की स्‍क्रीन 7 इंच की है और यह एक बिल्‍कुल नए ऑपरेटिंग सिस्‍टम पर काम करता है जिसे क्‍यूएनएक्‍स सॉफ्टवेयर ने तैयार किया है. इस टैबलेट कंप्‍यूटर का वजन महज 425 ग्राम है.

इसे इस्‍तेमाल करने वाले वाईफाई के जरिए इंटरनेट से जुड़ सकते हैं या‍ फिर अपने ब्‍लैकबेरी फोन को इससे जोड़कर भी आप इंटरनेट का इस्‍तेमाल कर सकत हैं.

प्‍लेबुक में वीडियो चैटिंग की सुविधा भी दी गई है जिसके लिए इसमें पीछे की तरफ 5 मेगापिक्‍सल कैमरा दिया गया है जबकि सामने की तरफ 3 मेगापिक्‍सल का कैमरा दिया गया है. प्‍लेबुक में ई-मेल के लिए ब्‍लैकबेरी ब्रीज दिया गया है जबकि परिवार और दोस्‍तों से जुड़े रहने के लिए ब्‍लैकबेरी मैसेंजर भी उपलब्‍ध है.

प्‍लेबुक में एक साथ एक से ज्‍यादा एप्‍लि‍केशंस पर काम किया जा सकता है वो भी कि‍सी भी एप्‍लि‍केशन को बंद कि‍ए बि‍ना. इसीलि‍ए प्‍लेबुक में कोई होम बटन नहीं हैं क्‍योंकि‍ इस्‍तेमाल करने वाले को नई एप्लि‍केशन चलाने के लि‍ए चल रही एप्लि‍केशन को बंद करने की जरूरत नहीं होती है. इसके अलावा जीपीएस, एक्‍सीलरोमीटर, जायरोस्‍कोप, डि‍जि‍टि‍ल कंपास और माइक्रो यूएसबी की सुविधा भी प्लेबुक आपको देता है. 1 गीगाहर्ट्ज ड्यूल कोर प्रोसेसर वाले इस टेब्‍लेट पीसी में आपको 1 जीबी की रैम लगी है.

आरक्षण’ में मंडल आंदोलन का प्रसंग नहीं: प्रकाश झा

आरक्षण के चर्चित विषय को रुपहले पर्दे पर उतार रहे निर्माता-निर्देशक प्रकाश झा ने कहा कि उनकी आगामी फिल्म ‘आरक्षण: इंडिया वर्सेज इंडिया’ में मंडल आयोग की सिफारिशों के लागू होने के बाद हुए आंदोलन का कोई प्रसंग नहीं है.

आगामी फिल्म ‘आरक्षण’ के प्रचार के सिलसिले में पटना पहुंचे प्रकाश झा ने संवाददाता सम्मेलन में कहा कि देश में शिक्षा व्यवस्था के माफियाकरण और व्यवसायीकरण के कारण जो दुविधापूर्ण स्थिति उत्पन्न हुई है उस पर उनकी फिल्म केंद्रित है. फिल्म में मंडल आयोग के कारण हुए आंदोलन और चर्चित राजीव गोस्वामी के आत्मदाह का कोई प्रसंग नहीं है.

उन्होंने कहा कि आरक्षण समाज की सचाई है. इसके पक्ष और विपक्ष दोनों में तर्क दिये जा सकते हैं. शिक्षण संस्थाओं में आरक्षण के कारण एक वर्ग को सीटें सुलभ हुई है तो किसी दूसरे वर्ग के लिए अवसर कम हुए हैं. प्रकाश झा ने कहा कि आरक्षण फिल्म में पिछले दो-तीन दशक में शिक्षा का जो परिदृश्य देश में उभरा है उसका उल्लेख है. आज वही सफल हो रहा है जिसके पास पैसा है, जिसके पास 10 करोड़ की संपत्ति है वह सरकार की अनुमति से विश्वविद्यालय खोल सकता है.

प्रकाश झा ने बताया कि अमिताभ बच्चन, मनोज वाजपेयी, दीपिका पादुकोण और सैफ अली खान अभिनीत यह फिल्म कोचिंग संस्थानों और निजी शैक्षिक संस्थानों के रूप में करोड़ों रुपये के चल रहे समांतर शिक्षा व्यवसाय की सच्‍चाई देश के सामने रखेगी. यह व्यवसाय प्रतिवर्ष 30 से 40 फीसदी की दर से प्रगति कर रहा है. यह फिल्म आगामी 12 अगस्त को देश भर में रिलीज होगी.

राजनीति में विफल रहने वाले प्रकाश झा ने शिक्षा के कारोबार के लिए नेताओं को आड़े हाथ लेते हुए कहा कि महाराष्ट्र, मध्यप्रदेश और बिहार जैसे राज्यों में कई नेताओं के पास कई कई कालेज हैं. ऐसे कालेजों में अभिभावकों और विद्यार्थियों से पैसे की उगाही होती है.